It's almost been six months since my last post. I can't tell you how much I missed this place and how much I am looking forward to getting back in touch with you over the coming weeks. Like for many of us, 2014 was full of the gods' tough love for me. With all the best intention, they sometimes forget how fragile we are? But then I guess, the only way hard lessons are learned is head on?
Luckily at the end of the day it all tends to come together by itself. Spirits really don't care how we compartmentalise, bucket up or label experiences. Whichever way we choose to turn the map, it won't change what fate holds in store for us once we committed to a path. For me in 2014 that was a journey into cancer and back again.
How was it like?, many people asked. Well, for me the most fitting image is this: It is as if someone had turned a company called FEAR into my personal real estate agency. Over the course of the year we visited quite a lot of scary places - all open and up for rent or sale. They held me tightly by the hand, showed me all the premises, every living room, every attic and cellar of their available shitty fleet. But luckily they couldn't make me stay in any of them. Today I know they are out there and come by every now and then. They fetch me and we go out for a round. The best I can do is to sit back and relax - while they show me more of their scary places. Many of them I didn't even know existed? It's quite a surprise how much variety they have on offer... Yet as long as I don't hold on to any of them, they cannot make me stay either. They are tour-guides really, simply doing their job - ensuring I have a complete vista on all the shit that is on offer. The one rule I had to accept though, is they couldn't care less about my own intention to stay or move. When it's time for a tour, I better don't resist. -- In a nutshell that is how it's like I would say. Of course there were some real gems they made me see; it's not all crap in the end. Some places I even drop by voluntarily every now and then. But all in all I was quite happy where I was before they showed up; and so it's good to be home again.
The most surprising element of all probably was how little surprise their was. I had always known at some point I'd go through a more severe illness. So there it was! Maybe there is more to come or maybe not. But when it did hit me, my door was open and I luckily I didn't need to fight it off. Back in summer 2013 I shared how I crossed the Abyss. As part of that journey I also took a binding spiritual oath. I pretty much gave permission to the spirits and beings I work with to overhaul whatever I had turned into, to make adjustments as needed and to consider myself a willing piece of raw material in their Great Work. I was a bit more precise than that - I guess learnings from years of Sigil-Magic helped - but essentially I knew I had handed over the baton to a force above me.
They say 'Binah is the parent of Faith, from which doth Faith emanate' (Sepher Yezirah). Looking back it's kind of funny to realise I shared a two-part post on why faith is the foundation in early 2014, just weeks before I was diagnosed. Here is what I shared before re-exploring my own faith in the months afterwards:
For 2015 I have some ideas of what it will bring. But I am most excited about all the things I don't know. How will we continue to evolve and re-energise our tradition? Which new books and projects will be uncovered and shared? What will you guys do with the amazing material being shared for free at Quareia? Which hurdles will be thrown at us and which ones will we overcome? Which ones will make us stumble and fall - or even break and smash us? Remember, at the end of day we are all made up of clay. It's really hard to break it, unless you crank up your fires too hot.